My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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