im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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