Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
