my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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