i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
