I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
