I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize