Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
