Plan B is the new Plan A
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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