you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The feeling are messing with the penis
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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