Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
