so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
