He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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