Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
