he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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