we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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