I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
