Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
