her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
