Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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