Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Say something about gay babies.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
