God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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