i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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