I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Randomize
