even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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