I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have aggressive nipples.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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