I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
