franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
