dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize