How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize