I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
