Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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