Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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