If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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