I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
