mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
