mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
