I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize