my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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