If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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