I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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