I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
