I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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