i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We need to get me chipped asap
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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