I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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