I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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