I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
