I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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