I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
