I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
