somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
