just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
