i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
operation have a gay friend backfired
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
