Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
