You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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