if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
