lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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