I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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