we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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