she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
